home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Software Vault: The Gold Collection
/
Software Vault - The Gold Collection (American Databankers) (1993).ISO
/
cdr11
/
wfexp5_9.zip
/
PRECOND1.TXT
< prev
next >
Wrap
Text File
|
1993-06-24
|
6KB
|
135 lines
The Preconditioning of the Mind
Clete Hux
It seems that newspaper headlines these days are full of examples
of spiritual abuse, describing situations of people being
victimized in both cults and churches.
In critiquing the ins and outs of spiritual abuse, one often finds
that people have been hurt by legalism, authoritarian leadership,
manipulation, excessive discipline, spiritual intimidation and much
more.
Perhaps one could give a number of characteristics common to the
problem and a lot of time given to the definition of "spiritual
abuse," but instead of asking the WHAT questions, maybe a better
understanding would come if the WHY questions are asked: Why do
some people stay in abusive relationships? Or, why do they get into
them in the first place? The authors of the book "The Subtle Power
of Spiritual Abuse," David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, suggest
that people learn to be victimized, or are powerless by
experiencing relationships that have either prepared them to be
abused, or not prepared them to not be abused. Such relationships
could be labeled as "shame-based" relationships.
"Shame-based relationships are relationships based on messages of
shame: You are so weak and defective that you are nothing without
this relationship. Shame becomes the glue that holds things
together. It is the force that motivates people to refrain from
certain behaviors and to do others" (p. 55).
If families, churches, or groups are shame-based, they are more
than likely sending messages to their members that they are: "not
loved and accepted; not even lovable or acceptable; only loved and
accepted if, when, or because they perform well; not capable,
valuable, or worthwhile; very alone, not really belonging anywhere,
to anything, or with anyone" (p. 55).
On pages 56-59 of "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse", the
authors list the following seven characteristics of shame-based
relationships which will help explain why people are "caught up" in
these abusive relationships:
1. OUT-LOUD SHAMING
The dynamic: This is the "shame on you" that comes from belittling.
It is any message communicated out loud that says, "Something is
wrong with you."
The effects: Negative view of self, even self-hatred.
2. FOCUS ON PERFORMANCE
The dynamic: How people act is more important than who they are.
Love and acceptance are earned by doing or not doing certain
things.
The effects: Perfectionism, or giving up without trying; view of
God as more concerned with how you act than who you are; cannot ask
for help; high need for the approval of others.
3. MANIPULATION
The dynamic: Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very
powerful unspoken rules. Yet the unspoken rules communicate these
and other shaming messages.
Coding: Messages are sent through a verbal code that others are
supposed to decode. "Don't you think it would be better this way?"
means, "I want you to do it this way."
Triangling: This means to send a message to someone through another
person, instead of delivering it directly.
The effects: Great "radar" ■ the ability to pick up tension in
situations and relationships; ability to decode messages; talking
about people instead of to them; difficulty trusting people.
4. IDOLATRY
The dynamic: The "god" served by the shame-based relationship
system is an impossible-to-please judge. It is a god invented to
enforce the performance standard.
The effects: Distorted image of God; high level of anxiety; high
need to control thoughts, feelings and behaviors of others.
5. PREOCCUPATION WITH FAULT AND BLAME
The dynamic: Reaction is swift and furious toward the one who fails
to perform the way the system deems fit. Responsibility and
accountability are not the issues here: Fault and blame are the
issues.The shame-based system wants a confession in order to know
whom to shame.
The effects: The sense that if something is wrong or someone is
upset you must have caused it; a high need to be punished for or to
pay for mistakes in order to feel good about yourself; difficulty
forgiving self.
6. OBSCURED REALITY
The dynamic: Members are to deny any thought that is different than
those of people in authority. Anything that has the potential to
shame those in authority is ignored or denied. Interaction with
people and places outside the system threatens the order of things.
Consequently, you can't find out what "normal" is. Problems are
denied, and therefore they remain.
The effects: Out-of-touch with feelings, needs, thoughts; ignoring
your "radar" because you are being "too critical;" feel like no one
else understands you; threatened by opinions that differ from
yours; suspicious or afraid of others.
7. UNBALANCED INTERRELATEDNESS
The dynamic: Either under involved or over involved with each
other. Consequently, rules take the place of people. There is no
relationship structure in which to learn about behaviors and
consequences. People find out about life alone and by accident.
The effects: Fear of being deserted; high need for structure; a
sense that if there is a problem, you have to solve it; feeling
selfish for having needs; putting up boundaries that keep safe
people away; feelings of guilt when you haven't done anything
wrong.
When evaluating the emotional foundation the shame-based systems
create, it is clear that honesty and trust are undermined in the
relationship. This can also hinder a person's maturing in a
relationship with God. Codependence, or the dependence upon a
person or group, can also grow in this type of shame-based system.
Ultimately, a person can lose a correct perception of reality
because the only reality that can be identified with is within a
shame-based system.